Freeform Unedited Kara Writing Meta

[rayruz.livejournal.com]

Well, I see we have another gen ficathon coming up so I thought that a little writing-about-Kara meta would not necessarily go amiss. 

This meta is inspired by taragel, who said lovely things about the way I write Kara Thrace and her layers… and it got me thinking about why I’m so dedicated to writing Starbuck. I wrote a review on my blog a while ago titled “Lisbeth Salander is My Hero”… and I love Lisbeth, but the truth of the matter, my number one hero is Kara Thrace. She is an inspiration to me in so many ways (and one of the most joyous moments of my life was actually saying this to Katee Sackhoff and seeing her smile about it.)

I knew before I started watching BSG that I would like Kara, because let’s face it… I have a type. My favorite fictional characters are people like Faith from Buffy, Lisbeth, and, in the same vein though she expresses herself differently, Tara from Buffy. There is something I could see in all of them that hit me really hard. I can’t say I’ve faced trauma nearly as harsh as any of theirs, but I could connect to a kind of pain they all had.

I spent many years as a deeply unhappy person. My father has a lot of rage issues, and as a kid I ended up being the target of a lot of his frustration. My early friendships tended to be with people who were controlling and manipulative. At some point, in middle school, I rebelled against that and became the manipulator. I lost my few friends, and even the bullies pushed me to new levels. I had a disciplinary meeting after I showed a picture of a skull-and-crossbones to a girl who had teased me relentlessly for years.

I had no idea how to interact with people without controlling or being controlled, I felt broken and useless and waste of space.

No matter how many things I could do, no matter how many accomplishments I made, nothing could make up for the fact that inside, as a person, I wasn’t worth anything.

I think this is the thing that drew me so strongly to Kara Thrace. She is a frakking god as a pilot. Best shot in or out of the cockpit. Her skills are unparalleled and she knows it. She can get her shit done, she can do her job better than anyone. The fleet would suffer without her. She believes in herself. But at the same time she doesn’t. It’s almost a paradox, but her skills are physical. Connected to the body. It has nothing to do with her soul.

No matter how much bravado she puts on, there is a deeper unhappiness—a disbelief even that she could truly be loved. She can be a good friend, a good shot, a good lay, but she keeps up a wall that prevents anyone from seeing that small, scared little girl inside her that never really went away.

There are so few times in the series when we see her vulnerability: confessing to Adama about Zak, realizing Sharon is a cylon, her reaction to shooting Lee. More often, we see what I believe to be actions of an unhappy person-instigating fights, drinking to excess.

But Kara is never resigned to her pain. She fights it, constantly. She is not defeatist, she grew up in hell and she’ll be damned if she lets anything stop her now. She saves herself from that moon, escapes from the farm, well… we know Kara’s heroics. And more than her physical strength, most amazingly, despite negative feelings towards herself, she has not lost her ability to love others. She doesn’t shun others and keep herself brooding, she <i>loves</i>--the Adama men, Helo, Sam, hell she’s even got tough mama love for her nuggets--but perhaps doesn’t expect the same in return.

It’s that combination of confidence in her abilities, but not her own worth; the way she acts out, the way she stands up, the way she fights for others, and for herself. This is how I envision Kara Thrace when I write her. I believe Tara’s description of the way I portray Kara is “brave and broken, tough and tender”. I look at Kara and see more pain than I could ever imagine, but relate to and understand, and I watch her try to reconcile that part of her that believes in herself and the part of her that doesn’t, and I just want to do it justice when I write.

Obviously, I know that others view Kara differently, and was wondering what your thoughts were.

Comments

[scifishipper.livejournal.com]

Lovely, Ray. Thank you for sharing your beautiful insights. Your love and admiration for her shines through. *hugs*

[rayruz.livejournal.com]

Your icon made me a tiny bit teary-eyed lol. I don't even know why. But I guess I'm just having *~*Kara!Feelings*~*

[callmeonetrack.livejournal.com]

***SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!***

I'm so happy my comment inspired you to write meta and especially to come post it here too!!

**huggles you and Kara** I think this is a lovely summation of the way you understand and relate to Kara.

But Kara is never resigned to her pain. She fights it, constantly. She is not defeatist This I think is what I love most about Kara. "So life's a bitch. You want to cry about it?" or "Fight 'em Till You Can't."

It also puts into great context her quote in her apartment about: "You know, everyone I know is fighting to get back what they had. And I'm fighting because I don't know how to do anything else.”

I think a lot of people take this quote and think it means she's too aggressive or bored or isn't sentimental or...doesn't know how to love people...or...I don't know...but just that they see it as a bit of a flaw in Kara, whereas I think you're right and that she had to be a fighter to survive in life and she never knew any other way to be and it actually is one of her great strengths. <3

It's hard for me to relate to/remember/access that utter dearth of personal self-worth that Kara may have. We get such a complex cocktail of emotions from her in canon but she seldom really broods or gives in to self-pity for her own fate in life. We see her feel guilty and upset but it's all based on her interactions with others and not for her own self really. We see her bravado but we don't really see blatant signs of this, as she's not very...self-berating? I guess. All of that is locked down so much that I often forget or am not sure to what level she feels inferiority.

Anyway, thank you for posting this! Your essay makes me want to read more posts like this here! Everyone relates to Kara (or doesn't!) in such different ways and responds to different aspects of her personality, it would be fascinating to hear more about that from anyone who wanted to discuss. Hmm. Perhaps there will be a new poll soon! ;)

[rayruz.livejournal.com]

WOW. Lengthy comment is lengthy, Tara!

Kara's... almost inability to give up is something I love about her more than anything. As someone who has wanted to give up a lot... It's great to think what would starbuck do? (there are however situations in which her advice would not be valid... Especially if they involve alcohol and sleeping with scientists.)

I could be wrong about her self worth. This is just my interpretation obviously biased by my own life experiences and feelings. It's also, however, one of the few ways my brain can justify events in UB that I don't really wanna bring up because I don't want no shipping drama. Like I said, my nterpretation informed by my experiences.

I envision it almost as this tiny little knot somewhere near her heart. Very small, which is why it bears protection. And at the same time it is almost so small that it can be ignored most of the time. But it is still always there and sometimes it just completely let's loose and leads to self-destructive choices... Like sleeping with Baltar.yeah I'm gonna pick on him since he seems safe.

I'm so glad you were happy about this. I'm glad I provided some food for thought.

[callmeonetrack.livejournal.com]

Heh, You know she's my favorite topic!

I don't think you're wrong, just was trying to express that it's not one of the facets of her that I personally relate to or think of first when I think of Kara, you know? Because canon played those feelings so close to the vest with her. I go back and forth!

But I totally agree that she has all of these fears (Oddly I guess I think of those feelings as fear rather than insecurity--but really that's the same thing isn't it? Just a different name!) that she tries to squish down into the bottom of her heart and ignore (hello compartmentalization!), sometimes to really disastrous consequences! They especially came to the forefront in all her interactions with Bill and with Lee.

I'm gonna open the shippy can of worms just to say that one thing that never was explained to my satisfaction on the show was why Kara didn't believe she wasn't worthy of Sam's love? Or Zak's? Why did the producers choose to show us a relatively untroubled Kara in flashbacks (without a hint of the idea that living with her mother would have...hardened her...forced her to be more razor-like?) I don't know.
This is not the only but probably the most important point that I wish canon had been a little more concrete on w/r/t Kara. Tigh's mutterings of survival tactics really was a bit too little there I think. Sigh.

Anyway, yes, yes, so happy you posted and hope it inspires others to share their thoughts as well!

[callmeonetrack.livejournal.com]

For her, it's not about returning or gaining something she's lost or never had. It's about living. After the genocide, most of the human race is experiencing this feeling for the first time, but it's just staus quo for Kara. One foot after the other.

Ooh yes! I really like the way that you phrased that. One foot after the other. It's very Kara!

Although (like Lee) I guess I'm a bit of a serial contrarian myself, because one of the saddest things I think Katee ever said about Kara was that she was one of those people who thrives on being unhappy and that she couldn't see a happy ending for Kara because of it. That made me really unspeakably sad I have to admit. I REALLY REALLY WANTED HER TO FIGHT FOR--AND GET--THAT HAPPINESS. (And I didn't see that in her final scene when she says "I'm done and it feels good". Maybe the only time in the whole show that I couldn't buy what Katee was selling there. ;)